Get Your Relationship Out Of the Doldrums by Dr. Eve

I love radio shows as opposed to tv shows.

Perhaps because they require only my ears and allow better multitaking.

And I mention this today because one of my favourite talk radio stations (702FM) features the highly esteemed Dr. Eve on Fridays, a show I always look forward to.

She is a relationship and sexual health expert and holds very, very interesting adult discussions. She talks about those things that men and women just do not talk about which affect them emotionally and physically but would never dare to admit to anyone that knows them.

As part of a couple I must say my interest is always peaked when I come across such persons as herself.

Call it gathering ammunition or whatever but there you are. 

I find marriage like parenthood, to be an expedition of trail and error. Most times it is a wonderful and completely fulfilling experience. Sometimes tests come along and they are relatively easy to overcome and life moves on smoothly, hardly showing a dent and other times **shrugs**. Well, lets just say I find I need something extra to hold it all together with,  in order to pass some tests. 

Especially as we grow not only as a couple but as individuals. I constantly find myself having to adjust to changes within me and him and our marriage. You'll notice I keep saying I because even now I'm not 100% sure how he copes with these continues adjustments but he seems to do it with a lot more finesse than I. Do I sense an underlying dissonance?

Most people I come across on blogs, when they talk about their relationships I get these visions of blissful marriages and relationships  and I wonder to myself. What am I doing wrong?

Am I the only person living on planet earth and finds marriage both rosy and thorny or am I just the dysfunctional wicked witch of the west that my poor husband got saddled with? No don't answer that, we may have to take out the Vaseline of you do. hehehe.

Anyway I'm saying all this today because I  came across this article written by Dr. Eve and thought well, maybe its not just me. The mere fact that there are people going out to become doctors and specialists in this  area must mean there is demand. Perhaps other people in my position are just better at keeping it to close to their chests. And I should have you know that albeit my chest being ample, it is so hollow I can't even keep my own confidence in it. Hence this very revealing post, do you see the problem?

Getting back to the reason for this post. I apologise for the extensive length of it firstly. Way too much said but I hope if you decide to read it all the way to the end, you'll find it worthwhile.

Get Your Relationship Out Of the Doldrums by Dr. Eve

Perhaps you think you have  a sexual dysfunction.

That's the main reason people consult with me. They get pretty mad when the work becomes about the relationship. Commonly couples sit on my therapy couch as their relationship is in the doldrums.Sexual difficulties are usually the result of relationship doldrums.

Ask yourself: did you choose your partner for other reasons other than passion? Problem with this is that the longer one is in a relationship the more the passion dies.So if passion did not form a firm foundation for you then you will find yourself in relationship doldrums pretty soon into marriage/relaitonship.

Did you choose  a partner for passion? Aha another kind of doldrums awaits you: deadbrain , lack of companionship syndrome.

Herewith a quickie guide to get you out of relationship doldrums: Add your own thoughts to each sub heading and share with a partner for optimal results.

Notice and Appreciate: complacency is a passion killer

I use the 3 A’s formula: appreciate, acknowledge, admire. Use technology to do this so relationship does not feel like hard work at the end of the day. So easy to do this via text , e mail, skype, facebook etc- whatever your technical drug of choice is

Be healthy: 

check that there aren't any medical issues which could be interfering with your sex life. That includes knowing your HIV/STI status. Of course  regular exercise, regular sex, regular eating.

Vitally important: each person in a relationship has an obligation to be healthy: illness impacts on the other person and  poor life style causes resentment such as excessive drinking, smoking , high body mass index. Resentment causes low sexual interest in both men and women.

Know how you each feel:

Mind mapping is an essential automatic part of relating. Hone in on your mind mapping skills so you get to know what your partner is thinking. Follow your mind mapping with discussion so you really knwo if you are getting each other or not.

 Each person in relationship has a commitment to know one's own sexuality- likes and dislikes. As these change over time, one needs to be in the loop with one’s own self sexually. Otherwise true doldrum sets in.

Exposure to erotic material, interesting conversations about sexuality, exploring on internet  great sites give people an idea what they want individually - and then the responsibility is to share with partner.

Seduce

Seduction can only happen when the relationship feels great. And again each person has a responsibility to seduce the other- no standing back waiting for the other to initiate. It takes courage and confidence to do this. Take the risk and do it – it links in with people needing to feel the 2 A’s.. as well as lusted after by their own partner. 

Go shopping - for some adult stuff

Any new shared experience makes a couple feel close and connected. So doing something daring such as shopping for sex toys  is part of the turn on process. When a couple push boundaries, such as buying unusual sex toys/using different sex toys, there is a sense of sharing  a secret which enhances their intimacy.

Get enough sleep

Allowing each other time alone- to sleep or talk on phone to friends, go for a run, hang out with friends, dance whatever , will give each person more willingness to share their bodies with each other. If there is a deprivation of self, resentment grows – which is a killer of sexual desire.

And take your time - nothing happens quickly..

Time is the most precious commodity today – porn provides people opportunity for quick sex so people are loosing the willingness to take time for sexual play- this in turn leads to relationship break down.

In summary, if you are healthy, have time out for yourself, process relationship stuff when it arises , invest in your own sexual, intellectual and emotional development, then  you will be  willing to take your precious time and spend it rescuing  your own relationship from the doldrums.

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If you have more suggestions  on getting out the doldrums , please mention them in comments here. 

I'd also love it if you'd share your thoughts on this article. 

Poetry with Paulann Petersen

I love this blog.

I've thought of shutting it down because of time constraints but every time I do I think of my gems stored in here. Like today's addition that I know I'll come back to time and again. On my last Poetry Friday session M. Pax left a comment the post with Kathryn Starbuck's poem introducing me to today's poet.

Thank you M. Pax I am indebted to you. 

I loved Paulann's style and thought I just have to let you know about her as well. Sacrament is a poem of hers that I ended up reading more than once. I hope you enjoy it too.

A Sacrament

Become that high priest, 

the bee. Drone your way 

from one fragrant

temple to another, nosing

into each altar. Drink 

what's divine—

and while you're there,

let some of the sacred

cling to your limbs.

Wherever you go 

leave a small trail 

of its golden crumbs.

In your wake 

the world unfolds 

its rapture, the fruit

of its blooming.

Rooms in your house

fill with that sweetness

your body both

makes and eats.

           —Paulann Petersen

Fame And Mis-Fortune

There are so many ways to kill yourself. 

And the famous seem to have intimate knowledge of them all. 

It’s not enough that young celebrities are falling all over themselves trying to see who they can beat in the DOD race but older ones seem to be holding their own too. 

Picture: Bing

Just this weekend I saw news reports that Heather Lockear refuses medical help with her prescription pill and alcohol addiction problem. This is despite the fact that she was rushed to hospital last Thursday due to an overdose of the same. You might remember this beauty from Dynasty, if you like me, aren’t too clued up with recent TV activity.

My point is, is it not enough that the Michael Jackson’s and Amy Winehouse’s of this world suffered the deadly consequences of this habit not too long ago? Or is it a case of: “ these things happen to other people but never to me” until that is, you find yourself looking down a deep pit of your own vomit desperately searching for the light at the end of that murky tunnel.

Perhaps I’m just too hard on them. 

After all I’ve never been and most probably will never be so obscenely wealthy that self destruction would seem a attractive source of excitement, a way to break the monotony that is a life of luxury. Because you see, when you have that much money everything that money can buy is at your disposal. So I imagine that subconsciously you might say “let me see just how far my invincibility reaches”.

On the other hand it could really be a coping mechanism from the pressures that come with having too much money. Afterall the late B.I.G did say in a song “more money more problems”. Problems that I will in all probability l never know or experience. 

Whatever the reason, no one seems to remember that as far back as time immemorial, the cost of your health has always been elusive. And as such it will remain.

Do you imagine in any way that you could fall prey to these misfortunes of fame should you wake up to find yourself nauseatingly wealthy one day?

My Resolutions List In Action

Yesterday I had a great break through.

I went out to do some wheelin' and dealin for the first time in almost a year and came home with one signed and one verbal contract. 

I also made some good progress with my old networks telephonically and everyone seems to be keen on a working relationship between us again so I have some business meetings coming up.

I am ever so encounraged. I feel as though this really is a year for new beginnings for me. 

Last year this time it seemed nothing I tried business wise worked and if I remember correctly, I was saying the same things and presenting myself and my business in the same way. 

Maybe it's because i'm making more effort communicate more with real people instead of my cyber world, hence Mondays post only coming on today ***tsk tsk***.

Or the recession really is no more and companies are spending more.

Perhaps the stars were just not in alignment in my favour.

Or God just got tired of my silent screams and decided its time for that break.All in His own time.

Whatever it is, it seems to be working friends and I am so glad. I hope you're having a bit of good fortune on your side too. I'm sure we could all do withsome for the year.

Poetry with Kathryn Starbuck

Happy Friday my firends. I hope you have an awesome weekend.
I came across poet, Kathryn Starbucks, this week while in search of new poems to enjoy. You know you get those moments where you just crave to curl up with a cup of tea and a great poetry book on your favourite corner of the couch. This was one of them for me. 

So off I went in search and I read an interview with this wonderful lady who only started writing poetry at 60. 

I think one of the things I really like about her poems that I have read is the note of accentricity and quirkiness I get. 

I loved her response to an interview question from the Poets & Writers Mag when she talks about her poetry writing:

 Question:
P&W: Would you have ever written poetry if you hadn’t gone through this intense grief?
Answer:
KS: I don’t think I would have. I was driven to do it. And once I started doing it, I liked it a lot. I still like it. I just love writing poems. I love working with the words. I know nothing about how a poem is put together. I have no interest in any of that—whatever it is that is supposed to make a poem. But I know how I like to do it. It just really, really interests me, so I do it a lot.

Bio: Journalist, essayist, and editor (of the Milford, New Hampshire, weekly newspaper Cabinet), Kathryn Starbuck started writing poems in her 60s. Her first collection, Griefmania, was published in 2006. Her poems have appeared in the New Yorker, Poetry, Sewanee Review, and Best American Poetry 2008.
http://www.poetryfoundation.org/

Undone Song at Neap Tide
When the sun and moon were in quadrature, when  
the garden had become a wilderness and the clock refused to strike

When the old year died and the sand walked into
the sea with the neap tide

When you had been too long away and your old snowblue footprints
clotted and hesitated in the clay

When the worry of this undone song unsung so long
so loud my head I went inside and under to let the flood run free
Source: Poetry (February 2005).

Convinced, 1957

At last I was convinced that giving in to their thinking represented a huge error in the evolution of my family affairs. Riven with a savage melancholy, not permitted out of the house without two minders—one armed with needle sedative, the other armed with arms—I armed myself with myself and threw off the vulgar superstition and reactionary domination that had up to then poisoned my mental library, imprisoning me, making me believe, with them, that I must have children when I knew that I must not, would not.    And I did not.

Source: Poetry (January 2012).
 

Ideas
I was the lonely one in whom  
they swarmed in the millions.  
I was their creature and I  
was grateful. I could sleep  
when I wanted.  

I lived a divided  
existence in sleepdreams  
that lit up a silence as dreadful  
as that of the moon. I have  
an overly-precise recall of  

those solitary years before  
I opened the curtain and drew  
upon a universe of want that made  
me so strong I could crack  
spines of books with one hand.

Source: Poetry (March 2009).

All poems were courtesy of The Poetry Foundation.

My First New Year Resolution List

Last year I did not have any resolutions, I haven’t had any since high school as a matter of fact. At the beginning of each year I always have goals that are floating around in my head but never anything set in stone.  As a result just the basics get done (almost). Things will be a little different this year though. After my three month stint in Nigeria, this seems like the perfect opportunity to start with a list as I have to start over here in South Africa. So this is to writing new chapters.

 

Official 2012 Goals

Read 100 books.

My goal on Good reads was to read a 100 books this year but this proved overly ambitious for a slow reader so I only managed 52 to date. Most of my reading got done in the last quarter of the year as my reading improved to 1.5 books a week.

Review 62 Books

This year I managed to review 31 books since I started my book review blog in June. I reckon I can double that in 2012.

Blogging

I’m not sure what I want to commit to yet so nothing set in stome as yet.  I do know that I want to identify a paid blog hosting service for my book review blog and have a big funtional online store.

Writing

• Attend my at least one creative writing course this year.

• Write my first draft of a 5000 word short story by Easters.

  

Work

Focus on establishing a fixed income, I did this very well until this 2011. Last year I skated by on the grace of grace of God. This year I need the grace of God and my own effort.

Hobbies & Social life

Late in last year I wrote about having lost my passion and wanting back and got lots of great advise mainly around doing something new and getting out more. This is the most nonexistent sphere of my life and perhaps requires the second biggest effort as I tend to avoid it at all cost. So the plan is to:

• Attend the theatre at least once every second month. I've never seen a live play or musical.

• Go out with a friend or friends once or twice a month.

• I meant to start painting this year and absolutely failed. I will make an effort again this year.

• Attend art shows/ functions and galleries. At least attend 4 in 2012 and blog about them.

• I want to learn one new language preferably Swahili but have absolutely no clue where to go. It’s time to find out.

Health and Fitness

• Lose 10 kgs. This is quite doable as impossible as it looks. In 2010 I lost 15 kg’s with exercise and good eating habits. 2011 I was lazy so gained 6 back and just managed to lose it again despite being 6 months pregnant.So I need to get back on the wagon.

• Most importantly,  I need to get my spiritual relationship right ASAP. This has left a huge gaping hole that I'm sure is responsible for my frequent bouts of mild depression.

Travel
I really want to go to either England or Ireland to visit the ruins and historical places. This time I'll do a right job of documenting it all.

Relationships

• Focus more on mine and my families happiness. Organise more family and couple time than I did this year. Encourage us to each other more and be more encouraging. This is going to be so hard.....pray for me.
• Identify a good course to support and volunteer in with the kids. This is always at the back of my mind but never materialises. Time is running out.

2012 HERE I COME !!!!