To be or Not to be...I suppose that's the question

I don't know how many times a married person asks themselves this question and here I confess that I certainly have and not once. There have been times in my relationship that I’ve said to myself (although this is really the first time I say it to anyone else, never mind the hundreds of people who will read this) that marriage is not all it’s cracked up t be. Which is actually exactly the problem? What is it supposed to be cracked up to be and who set that benchmark? I suppose we have Barbie and Ken to blame.

And there have been times that out of frustration I also thought, there has to be more to life than this, and then a day later be thinking I could not love life more than I do right now, right here. I have said to him, I want my life as it was, I can't go through another day of this and then with all that forgotten I could be caught saying: I can’t imagine life without him, it would be unbearable. More often than not I have felt quite schizophrenic, never knowing who and what I am from one moment to the next or even knowing what I want.

I'm sure you must be wondering by now, what on earth is she on about. Well. I'm going on about being married or single.

I am a thirty something year old female, been married for five of those and raising a family with what I consider to be a very good man (most of the time). I mean I wouldn't be terribly honest if I said I think him wonderful all the time because one of my girlfriends may pitch up here and remind me off all the times I said he was the last person I want to see before my day of reckoning. But yes mostly I think he is a wonderful man, everything I deserve and more. 

I also find myself observing my single friends who seem to spend half their time staving off paranoia stemming from a paralysing fear and suspicion that they’re never going to find the one to share their dentures with and the other half pretending they don't need him, possibly out of sheer exhaustion from looking . I was woken to this shocking fact while speaking to a school friend late last year whom I had just reconnected with through skype. We had been in primary together are the same age.  The conversation went something like this: 

Wendy how many kids do you have now?

3 I said.

Oh wow, I wish I could be you.

Me who looks at her life and thinks "is this all there is" said: Why would you want to do that to yourself? Do you know how much hard work this is and what a thankless job it is? At least you have your life. (ok I was very stressed last year, I even had a heart scare as a result of work pressure.

Her retort was: Wendy, I am in my early thirties, there are no marriageable men out here, I am still dating and getting into relationships that fizzle out after a couple of months, how long will I keep going on like this....what example am I setting for my nieces because even my youngest sister is now married. 

I just want someone whom I can love and will love me and work towards something together.

This put a new perspective to my situation ( this is what I had gotten and was now perhaps taking for granted)......so in that 30 seconds after her response I saw my marriage through lenses I hadn’t put on for a long time, maybe a couple of years.

 Just last week I went to lunch with a friend, one of my best friends and inevitably things moved on to the subject of men and children for a moment. Somewhere in the talk I said to her: Can you believe what IT did....and so I go off on a tangent about my domestic irritations whose sole origins are my other half....after my rant I ask, by the way, how's it going with your boyfriend....I am expecting anything from which one to we got engaged but no, I get: am taking an oath of celibacy. 

At 35!!!!!!!!!!!

That will be like trying to get off a Swiss chocolate addiction but I do not say this. This is gonna be painful. I put on my: Oh no, things will get better don’t give up face, _but I’m not sure I’m pulling this off convincingly. All I want to say is:

What is going on out there?

I don’t actually have an answer or a solution here but am wondering, is this a dilemma that affects others too? Do people ever talk about it? Does everyone walk around looking like they have the recipe for the perfect relationship while inside are haunted by a niggling worry that all is not as it should be in their private little world?
I am really beginning to suspect that there is no ideal state of being outside of the one you are in. Being happy or sad while single or married is a direct result of what you decide to put into either state. I don’t know whether if I was a single thirty something I would be happy being single but neither do I really feel like being married is like having conquered the world. I suppose it feels like the right place to be at the right time for me....a natural progression in my journey of life because I strongly feel that my inner most desire is to love and be loved. So I suppose for better or worse, I'm in it for the long haul.