Aslan333's Anecdotes: A Nigerian Tale

Aslan333 is off the hooooook!

Yes he...or she is _ a Nigerian superstar

I have not laughed as hard as I did this morning while reading this piece of comedy genius in a long, long time. 

I discovered this writer's work on Nairaland which is a Nigeria based chat forum. Worth visiting if your want to learn something new in an informal and oft times hilarious manner about this nation and it's people. 
I received an email from Aslan333 (pen name) giving me permission to post his work so here I am, deciding that the author is a he based on his email pseudonym, Bruce Wayne.

To be honest with you, I can't decide whether the author is a romantic, comedy or fantasy writer....he seems to expertly dabble in all. The first story of his that I laid my eyes on was Land of Shadows which I immediately decided had to be featured on my blog. It is more of a fantasy tale i think but i kept postponing publishing it and could not explain the why of that even to myself. 

Until this moment that is, this is what I've been intuitively waiting for_A Woman's Strenth. 

It is not Land of Shadow as planned but it is bloody hilarious, and I might also add that it is not, as the name suggests, about a woman but rather some poor soul whose life seems to be overwhelmed by them despite his "delusions of masculine dominance" (my opinion). And I must tell you, you will be knocked of your bloomers (aka g-strings these days)......and underpants by his beguiling, tongue in cheek humor that is transposed so flawlessly to his writing. 

And for those of us who's only exposure to Nigerian literature is through Africa Magic's cock and bull deplorable scripting, I categorecally state that this author bears no comparison or resemblence to such mediocracy. Yes his work is threaded and dripping with the uniquely outrageous Nigerian humor (you know the one ....it'll have you splitting your pants if they too tight), but he is a writer in a league of his own, a writer worthy of a world platform....

I hope you enjoy this as much as I did if not more.

Warning: No drinking while reading this, liquid has a habit of making it's way up your nasal passage.

A Woman's Strength

Chapter 1_ I love my wife

I love my wife, its her mother I can’t stand. I know you must be saying if you really love your wife you’ll love everything about her. To that I say “you haven’t met my mother-in-law. The day started out great, I opened my eyes to see my wife’s sensuous body gliding gracefully towards me and as she opened her mouth my body was excited in anticipation of her melodious voice only to hear her say what most husbands dread “darling my mom will be visiting tomorrow can you please pick her up?” I hear the sound of a promising day get flushed down the toilet. But honey you know i have that business meeting tomorrow I say; {now there’s a lie if I ever told one}. Your lying she says. Just say you don’t want to pick her up. Me lying? I am the lord of this manor, the king of the castle, why do I have to lie? Am not picking her up and that’s final. We’ll see she says

On my way to work I sit in traffic, fuming. Who does she think she is inviting her mother over like that? Does she think I am our father Adam who said to eve “but God said we shouldn’t eat it and she stroked his head saying shut up and eat you silly boy” and the rest is history. Or doe she think am Samson who was singing “why don’t you braid my hair” hand in hand with Delilah all the way to the barbershop. No way. In my house my word is law. Am at the top of the food chain.

We meet at 6 o’clock for mid-week fellowship and she has saved a space for me. The pastors’ sermon is on the miracles of Jesus ad we open to Matthew 8 vs. 14-15. The verse reads “when Jesus arrived at peters house, peters mother-in-law was in bed with a high fever. But when Jesus touched her head, the fever left her”. What is this? Some kind of divine conspiracy? She passes me a note and on it is written “you see, Jesus loved peters mother-in-law” and I write back “yeah JESUS loved peters mother-in-law, not peter.

Its 8.30p.m, I sit on the couch channel surfing and starving, wondering why I refused to eat her food earlier this evening. She saunters to the front of the TV and says “I’ve warmed your favorite are you ready to eat now?’ who told you I am hungry I reply. I know your not hungry but just eat to make me happy she says. Okay just because of the effort you put in I say. We both know I can’t resist her cooking, but she expertly strokes my ego and am starting to wonder who’s really in charge.

Its 9.45p.m, she’s massaging my shoulders and we start making passionate love on the sitting room floor. Thank God our daughter is only a year old. I wouldn’t want our kids rushing into the parlor screaming “daddy what are you doing to mummy? And why is she screaming yes yes yes when no one is asking her any questions”. She gives the signals for another round, I can’t let her know I am exhausted so I apply delay tactics until we both sleep off.

Its 7a.m and I wake up to my wife’s angelic smile. And I start thinking, who am I to judge father Adam? And maybe Samson wasn’t such a not-so-smart person after all. I am the lord of this manor, the king of the castle. My wife whispers in my ear “honey my mom just called, she’s at the park”. Am on my way, I reply, while I fetch my car keys. I know your saying, after all your tough talk you still gave in. To that I say “you haven’t met my wife”

I hear voices. Am not crazy or anything it’s just that I get messages from on high from time to time. My wife finds it amusing while my mother-in-law finds it annoying. She’s spending a couple of weeks with us and I am sure her husband is hoping she extends her stay. She came at a really bad time because I am between jobs right now (nice way of saying I am not working) and my wife is supporting us. Because of that she never misses a chance to take a swipe at me. I mean just the other day when I was eating my wife’s delicious spaghetti and meatballs she just sat there staring at me, after about five minutes she walks into the guestroom and puts this huge mirror directly opposite me (to be honest one look at myself with spaghetti sticking out of my mouth and my bulging eyeballs made me lose my appetite) as she walks away she says “am sure if you take job hunting just as seriously you’ll land a job”

It’s Monday morning and I am preparing for an interview, I stand in front of the mirror psyching myself up, asking myself questions and smiling at my reflection. The horror that likes to “soro” stands at the passage (how could I leave my room door open?) ten minutes later I hear her saying “se mo so fun e pe oko re tun ya were ori kpe o tun tin ba re so oro” I don’t know what it means but it sounds pretty bad so I shout my goodbyes and escape through the back door

Its 3p.m, the interview was great and I’ve been offered a job. I take my wife out to celebrate. On the way to the restaurant I am hit from behind by some guy. I jump out screaming “you not-so-smart person”; he is full of apologies as he checks out my car. In my anger I give him a dirty slap and the last thing I hear is the sound of thunder before everything goes dark.

Its 5p.m, I open my eye(I can only open one) and see my lovely wife with the guy I slapped, it seems I am in the hospital (my wife explains the guy knocked me out with a punch; so here I am). I smile sheepishly and she says I married you and not Rambo. The man is full of apologies and takes care of the bill. I apologize too, and we shake on it.

Its 7.30p.m I walk into the living room and my mother-in-law says “my God you look like a gorilla with dysentery, what happened?” my wife explains while I go upstairs to lie down. I lie in bed watching shakira dancing on TV and I think to myself its stuff like this that cost John the Baptist his head.

Its 9.30p.m I wake up with a serious headache, as I walk downstairs to take some pills I overhear my mother-in-law praying “Dear Lord, she says, thank you for answering my prayers and giving my son-in-law a job today and thank you for letting him get away with only minor injuries, I know sometimes I am a bit harsh but I really love him, he’s a good husband and a great father. Surprisingly my headache seems to have gone. As I pass my wife in the corridor she sees me smiling to myself and asks “honey are you hearing voices again?” Yes I say. What are they saying this time? Good things I reply, good things. 

Chapter 2_Do women wrestle?

Are women meant to like wrestling? My elder sister does and she used me to practice her moves while we were growing up. Am not saying am a wimp or anything it’s just that she took my fathers size and strength and left me with very little. But now we’re all grown up and it’s a happy time in the family because my elder sister has finally found Mr. Right. She has had her fair share of guy troubles (which she is very sensitive about) so we’re thankful she’ll soon be strolling down the aisle. With so much love in the air I decide to send my sister a bible verse on love and ask my wife to text one to me. She sends me 1John 4vs 7&8 and I tuck it away to be sent later that day.

Its 4 o’clock and I get a call from my wife, she says my sister is at my place fuming over a bible verse I sent and she wants to know what I sent to her. I check my phone and see I sent John 4vs 18 instead of 1 John 4vs 7 &8 and the bible verse I sent reads “I know you have no husband infact you have had five husbands and the man you're with isn’t even your husband”. Memories of childhood beatings come flooding back but I shrug them off. I am a man now; my sister can’t come to MY house and intimidate me. I’ll just go home and tell her it was all a little mistake.

Its 5o’clock and as I open the front door I see my elder sister’s bloodshot eyes staring through a window. The minute she sees me she rushes at me looking like an electrocuted bush rat. I take off with speed that would make usain bolt jealous. As I sprint to my car I hear her shouting “Na me you dey call ashawo, wait make I show you how I dey cut firewood for house” I make it to my car and speed off. As a wise man once said “he who lives to run away…………………… or something like that

As I drive I ask “why me?” and a voice replies “why not you?”hmmmmmmmmmmm. This situation is more serious then I thought. There’s only one person that can cool down my elder sister and that’s my belligerent grandma. As I begin dialing her number I remember she has a serious hearing problem so I drive over to pick her up instead. It will all be sorted out in no time

Its 6.30p.m and I am on my way home with grandma. As I drive I look in the rear view mirror and grandma asks “what are you looking at boy? Nothing grandma just my reflection. You have got an erection? No ma I said I was just looking at my reflection. What is it about your reflection that’s giving you an erection? You got problems boy. I sigh; this is going to be a long day.

Its 8.30p.m and I enjoy a cold shower. After alot of explaining we settled it all with minimal violence. As I walk downstairs to cuddle my wife I see her watching a sci –fi film on television. There’s this man in a spaceship with frantic eyes, sweating profusely and screaming location 123, location 123, you sent me the wrong co-ordinates am not heading to the moon am heading to the sun. Apollo 16 this is location, we can’t hear you. I said you sent the wrong co-ordinates AM HEADING TO THE SUN. This is location, we cant heeeeeeeeeear you. Well I definitely know how that films going to end. My wife hears me, turns off the T.V and puts on Kenny G. As we cuddle together I think of her and my lovely daughter and say to myself “this is the life” a voice asks “why you?” and I reply “why not me” 

ends of chapter 2 - 
To "follow" this post just click follow on the home page and share as well to help introduce this author to the world,  I will be on the lookout for more of his work and post as they come.

And now to end of.....a poem from the author:

Give me strength, give me strength

help me rise like the phoenix

drown the banshees cry

save me from Lilith

and protect me from asmodeus

let Micheal come to my aid

and the stones of fire encompass me

lest the fallen cherub devour me

and the spirits of the nephilim possess me

give me strength give me strength

oh creator give me strength

                          written during the days of darkness

An Awesome Imagination.

This is my thought today:

A fantastic, awe-inspiring imagination is one with a proclivity for creating worlds, other worlds, unhampered by endings or limited to the temporal. It is an infinite spiral of thought only subject to the cicerone, in this case the thinker . Where sense and logic are whatchamacallits that hold strands of thought together but are never fetters or  the steer.

Where myth and legend is as absolute as the flesh and blood that summons them. Where the self is so lost that the magician that is him, is found.

An extraordinary imagination is where our banal reality looses substance and your world is birthed as reality.


Quoting Neil Gaiman:

"THERE ARE MYTH-PLACES. They exist, each in their own way, some of them are overlaid on the world, others exist beneath the world as it is, like an underpainting.

My angels was stolen from Ken Paton's Library

 There are moumtains. They are the rocky places you will reach before you come to the cliffs that border the end off the world, and there are caves in those mountains, deep caves that were inhabited long before the first men walked the earth. 

They are inhabited still"......

by: neil gaiman' anansie boys 

                                                                  

In Your Wildest Dreams

It's been a while now I know.

But here I am with something I find incredibly saucy, sexy, hot (maybe romantic if you wanna be nice) and whatever other term makes you think of getting down to some erotica induced activities.  I came across this music video of two of my favorite artists Tina Turner & the illustrious Barry White ( no longer with us as you may know) & with it, which was a real surprise to me, an extract from the movie 9.5 Weeks. It is this movie that introduced me to the divinely scintillating Kim Basinger. Although, I stand corrected but I think it was Joe Cocker's _You Can Keep Your Hat On that was played for this scene. Even at 11 years old I found Kim fascinatingly beautiful. I confess I don't remember much about the movie except that after seeing it I was always on the lookout for her work which was largely very disappointing i'm sad to say but still, the lady doth sizzle..

I know the movie was way unacceptable for an 11 year old but it was just one of those things you simply had to see without being caught by adults. So when everyone was asleep I would creep along to the TV downstairs with a blanket, keeping the light off and the volume just above mute and be entertained. I got a huge, i mean huge crush on the dashing Mickey Rourke right there and can remember watching and re-watching every cheesy movie he ever made right up to my mid teens. Oh the foolishness of youth, but I would have been more the fool to not have been captivated by the roguish charm that was Mickey, for he was darn good looking then.  And then he got replaced by Brat Pitt upon watching Thelma and Louise.......that is another story of upgrading from crushing to perving - to be told another day :-)

I digress, please watch this music video and perhaps share your most favorite memories associated with it if you were old enough to make any. In the mean time, I'm off in search of my partner in all things erotic to make new, more appropriate Tina, Barry, Kim and Mickey inspired memories......

Enjoy the Video, link below:
barry white & tina turner Music Video by in your wildest dreams

Yes it was Joe Cocker

I LOVE Neil Gaiman

I truly do.....

Everytime I open one of his books I feel my long dampered passions for theology and mythology rekindled, reignited in the most unexpected ways. He takes away the burdens of the -----------(secret guilt)-------- often encumbered on one because of the innate conflicts of spiritual credence and fascination with mythology.
I mean look at this extract from a book called the Anansie Boys. this is the very first paragraph in this novel:

It begins, as most things, with a song.

In the beginning after all were the words, and they came with a tune. That was how the world was made, how the void was divided, how the lands and the stars and the dreams and the little gods and the animals, how all of them came into the world.
They were sung into existence.

The great beasts were sung into existence, after the Singer had done with the planets and the hills and the trees and the oceans and the lessor beasts. The cliffs that bound existence were sung and the hunting grounds and the dark.
Songs remain. They last. The right song can turn an emperor into a laughingstock, can bring down dynasties. A song can last long after the events and the people in it are dust and dreams are gone. That's the power of songs.

I think one of the most accurate descriptions of Gaiman comes from the National Post (Canada):

Neil Gaiman is a storyteller whose tales resonate with secrets and deep truths...

His mastery of language creates a momentum which keeps you at the edge of your seat from take off right up to the inevitable climax camouflaged as a conclusion. Having read the two books (American Gods and now Anansie boys), when I think of him my mind conjures up what must be a philosopher, a comedian, a spiritual soul with a horrifically dark imagination, a prolific composer of written works. He manages to comfortably juxtapose unfriendly philosophical facets to create a homogeneous and more than palatable tale, while still making room for moral discussion and persuasion.

I'm convinced that in the not so ancient Greek mythology he would have been someone illustrious such as King Midas (the Composer) and in medieval philosophy The Alchemist (bringer of life to the written word).

Just my opinion of course.....
For more visit:
Neil Gaiman, his complete works. , www.telegraph.co.uk

The year I grew up (almost)

If there is one thing I shall remember 2010 for (actually 3 things) it is that it was the year I started expanding my (1) literary, (2) musical and (3) artistic vistas. I shall remember it as the year that I took serious note of the pleasures afforded to one through creativity and bold imaginings. I realize now that those moments of serendipity which seemed to by happenstance collide with my 35th birthday were not in anyway fortuitous after all. That at some point we all get to a fork in the road or a defining space where we get to explore who we are.

I have always, always been a late bloomer in everything (yes even for that...) and should not be surprised therefore that in my mid thirties I should happen upon my defining fork :) and discover just how deeply I love and appreciate art in all it's forms. Just how much I admire the musicians, writers and artists behind it. So much so I dream about how to express this to the world with the little resources I have and my inarticulate meanderings.

December 2010 & January 2011 has also been a time when I discovered just how wonderful cyber space is and what a pity it is that it is so under utilized. But that's another topic altogether.

However, it is really the internet that has gotten me going on this journey, boredom will have you do strange and wonderful things. As a mother of three, home in the holidays, just about losing my mind (almost about to beg & pay - mind you - straightjacketville for room & board) , the internet became my great escape and bosom buddy....... "I love you internet, I love you windows, I love you Google, I love you star trek....."(ok i don't know if star trek has anything to do with any of it) I love anything and everything that has to do with that place called space. The thought of being without the cyber universe is as painful as considering life without a fabulous Chardonnay, Oh God forbid that such a horrors should happen, life as we know it would lose all illusions of meaning.

Ok on a more restrained note, I have pondered and am still pondering the meaning of life on the temporal plane and although I have not yet found the answer I am convinced of the following: that the meaning of life is only found in the pages of a transcendent book, in the rhythm of a song densely saturated with evocative beats, in the configurations of a canvas where ideas modulate as does tonality in a melody.............

Follow a Blog or comment on a Post

After people have read an article on my blog I keep getting inquiries about how to either follow or make comments on it. I thought I could arrange something simple to read through to help navigate this complex place called cyberspace. I know there are many of us who feel overwhelmed the moment we are faced with it, we have not all evolved into the cyber sleuths (or geeks :)) most people else seem to have. 
So I logged on to my blog as a visitor and  registered as follower and then commented as an anonymous poster. I've recorded my findings in the pictures as seen below. I hope it helps you or someone you know. Should a cyber geek happen to pass by this little tutorial, please feel free to add more helpful tidbits on comments.

BBC News - Nelson Mandela 'leaving hospital' in South Africa

BBC News - Nelson Mandela 'leaving hospital' in South Africa

I have watched a number of Former President Mandela's documentaries over the years and every time I look at him in his 90's I have a hard time reconciling this old man with the ferocious, fearsome young warrior in those videos.

His current state is a desperate reminder to me of my own mortality, a reminder of how even the greatest of us, must succumb to what has been from the beginning of time_ the evidence of its passing on our corporeal being.

All one can wish for is that when your moment comes, you would have been the kind of person that will be remembered as fabulously influential, be it far & wide or close to home.

I dread being forgotten.............